Aug 232011
 

Introduction

Abigail Disney – the producer of the award-winning documentary, Pray the Devil Back to Hell, graciously agreed to an interview with Mary Noble of Feminenza International and Eileen McGowan of Feminenza North America. This documentary is about a group of courageous and visionary Liberian women who came together to end a bloody civil war and bring peace to their shattered country. Their mission is a compelling and inspiring testimony of what can happen when women unite together under a purpose greater than themselves, and persevere – no matter how difficult or challenging – to not give up until the mission is accomplished. A courageous woman named Leymah Gbowee was the leader who mobilized these women in Liberia. Leymah is recently one of three women who received the Noble Peace Prize in October, 2011 for her peace-making campaigns in Liberia and other African communities.

Feminenza has shown this documentary in its Forgiveness and Reconciliation Training Program for grassroots women in Kenya and they were incredibly inspired! After having seen this documentary here in America, and becoming so inspired by its far-reaching effects and implications, Eileen contacted the producer, Abigail Disney, to ask if Feminenza could have an interview, and Abigail whole-heartedly agreed. We are grateful for having had the opportunity to interview Abigail Disney and since then, a 5-part PBS series titled ‘Women, War & Peace’ was released with Abigail as co-producer. This series helps to expand the stories of women’s roles in times of war and highlights the growing consciousness and need to place women at the center of an urgent dialogue about peace and stepping down conflict.

Eileen: One of the first questions I have is to do with how did you end up doing documentaries for women in conflict / warring zones? In other words, what is the story that you tell yourself about how you got into all of this?

Abigail: It’s kind of strange, because a million years ago when I was in graduate school, writing on American literature, I was writing about war novels and I kept asking myself “Why am I writing about this? This has nothing to do with my life.” But I was very interested in men and masculinity as a social construct and I was very interested in the way they talked to one other about it, and a war novel is something a bit like a locker room conversation. It is an opportunity for men to talk about how they perceive the meaning of their life with each other. So I did a lot of work on that and it was fascinating to me. I then went on my merry way and went on to do a lot of work in the community that is interested in low-income women around New York City and then globally. So that feels like a strange jump from one thing to another. I kind of left that work on my dissertation way back in my mind and forgot about it. But then I found myself in Liberia. So all this work with grassroots communities led me to Liberia and I heard the story that is the center of Pray the Devil Back to Hell. And I have to say that I came home from that trip a little bit angry, frankly, that I didn’t already know the story, because I had heard stories like this about women in grassroots communities and it is never known what women do. We never know, and we never remember, and we never credit or give authority to these stories, so it made me sort of angry. But also it just felt to me like here was this moment where I had been uniquely placed on the planet and I had access, and the ability, and I knew this story, and I knew the value that it would have for people. It was almost impossible for me not to make the documentary.

I joined with a really wonderful filmmaker friend named Gini Reticker. I was smart enough to know that as a first time filmmaker I shouldn’t try to do it myself. It was too important a story for me to mess up. So I brought in a fantastic director, Gini Reticker, and we made the film. Just as we were finishing the film we connected with another filmmaker named Pamela Hogan, who was at the time at WNET making films for Wide Angle and in the course of our conversation we started talking about this dearth of information about women and war. So all this stuff that I had been thinking about and talking about with war novels came rushing back. Because the fact is these landscapes are strangely lacking in women. Even though women are sort of implied in the language about war. There is house-to-house fighting. There is raping and pillaging. They are implied in there and there are certain places where they are central to the narrative but for the most part they have been written out of the war and war comes to be seen as this purely male pursuit and the women are sort of irrelevant to the pursuit no matter how they figure into it. So we started talking about what if we looked at war through a woman’s eyes. How would it change? How would it be good for it? And that is when we came to the conclusion that there is this need for a series that really just took the hammer out of the hands of the male who was generally at the center of any war narrative, whether it’s a press report or a documentary or a fiction film or a novel. If we took the central defining eye of that narrative and gave it to a woman instead, how would it look? That is essentially the proposition that we are approaching the whole series with. And it’s true… The hypothesis holds true that everything changes. Every calculation, every consideration, every definition – is altered by just simply redefining the central consciousness from which we view the landscape of war.

Eileen: So will you in the upcoming series of Women, War & Peace, speak about the differences in how men and women view war, because I can see that it would be very different?

Abigail: Yes. What we have had is thousands of years of how men view war but what we need is a corrective dose – however small – of the other. So that is essentially what the proposition is. Okay, we know from Homer, through Tennyson, through Hemingway, through Mailer – we know how men view war. And it has really not changed almost at all, in thousands of years. What we need is a corrective dose of what it looks like to hold your family together; to find the food; to find the water; to protect your children; to deal with the trauma and the rape and the loss; and to be persistently overlooked as a factor, even though you are carrying most of the burden. That is really important.

Pray the Devil Back to Hell affected people the way it did, in part, because we chose to make a verite film. A story that was narrative driven, character driven. It wasn’t a series of facts that we rattled off. We weren’t lecturing anyone. We let the story surface the politics and the ideas, rather than the other way around. So we went looking for other character driven stories in other settings that would draw out the themes that we were pulling out of our research. So, for instance, sexual violence, of course, is a theme that is persistent throughout the ages in wartime. Is it inevitable? Is it even understandable? Is it just the way things are? What happens when women say “basta”, you know what, I don’t consider this to be inevitable and I think that people should be held accountable.

So we have a story set in Bosnia and we followed some women who testified at the ICTY, which changed international law forever. Has it solved every problem? No, it hasn’t. But has it changed the way we have decided to look at conflict and rape? Yes, absolutely it has. In Colombia we are following women who are working and being threatened every day by paramilitaries who are trying to hold onto the land so we are not telling people the displacement story but we are telling what it is that is driving people off their land and what it looks like to try and hold onto it. And what the pressures are on land and why that is important and has very much to do with families and people and populations. And then in Afghanistan we tell the story of three different women who are actively trying to be factors in the peace process. They are not simply going to be a bargaining chip between the Taliban and the Americans and the government in Kabul, which is essentially what will happen if they sit quietly by. They will be bargained away. They just won’t sit quietly by and do that so there is a group called the Afghan Women’s Network and they are all part of it. They are thinking and strategizing and being active around trying to make sure that their voices are heard and we kind of take apart what are all the forces that are barriers. Who is trying to help them and why? It’s a really interesting film. And then Liberia is really about Pray the Devil Back to Hell and the role women can play in building peace.

And then the fifth hour is more like an overview hour. It’s not a narrative, it’s more like an essay film. It puts together this question of why are we looking at this now? The fact is, it has always been true that we have ignored women in wartime. Why are they more important now than they have ever been? What are some of the forces that have shifted since the end of the cold war? Globalization? The climate change? The flooding of the market place with tons and tons of small arms? International politics? All of these things have kind of come together to turn up the heat on civilian women – more than ever before. And, women have really risen in international communities and into positions where maybe potentially something genuinely different can occur in terms of pulling them into peace processes and taking them more seriously as factors in their community. So we really are at a historic pivot point in terms of women and war and it’s important to understand that.

Mary: If I could come in and ask you something Abigail. It’s very interesting to get the whole run that you have just done. What we are doing in Kenya at the moment… We have been running a one-year pilot with training 21 women as Forgiveness and Reconciliation Counselors in conflict areas. These are all women who are fairly grassroots. They range from counselors, teachers, nurses, farmers, but they all share in common a great desire to help their communities heal after the post-election violence that took place in 2008. We met them and spent a year going around identifying who they were, getting in touch with organizations, finding women who would be appropriate for the training. We did get funding from UN WOMEN, on the basis of supporting UN Security Council Resolution 1325, which is about promoting local women in peace building. One of the challenges that we faced in the beginning with them was that they perceived, at first, that nothing would change until the men changed. When we asked them what did they see to be their challenges they would say that the men have the power; the men make the decisions; and so if the men don’t change there is nothing that we can do. So we kept coming in at the beginning with, “Well, have you considered that if you change, things around you are going to change.” And that message has slowly been able to come across to these women. Showing them your film had an incredible impact on them. They were so unbelievably inspired by it, but they face issues like “It’s inappropriate for women to address men in public meetings.” In a lot of their communities it is just not something that is done – that a women will stand up and address elders or chiefs or whatever. So they have had to overcome a lot of issues in themselves and I think they are now beginning to get that confidence, but I wondered if that is something that you have come across… For women to actually get to that place to start to see that if they start to change themselves, the men actually do start to… I’ve seen men, in a remarkable way, look at them and say, “Wow, these women really do mean business.” I’ve seen something start to melt in the men – a bit like the Berlin wall, you know, when you thought it was impossible one day, and then the next day you’ve got chiefs coming up and asking “When are you going to start teaching us about forgiveness?”

Abigail: I think that intimidating structures often are weaker than they appear to be, and men in particular, are not necessarily working in the kind of unanimity, around aggression and violence, as we think they are. There are a lot of men who are looking for a way out. But the way in which they are hard upon each other about aggression and masculinity is almost worse than the way in which they are hard upon women.

I had an interview, off camera, with one of the warlords and I said to him “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand how one woman threatening to strip naked could cause such commotion.” He looked at me like I was kind of stupid and he said, “Because they were our mothers. And you have to ask yourself what would drive your mother to give away her last shred of dignity voluntarily.” He said, in that moment, there wasn’t one man there in that room, no matter what he had done during the conflict, that didn’t ask himself, “What did I do to bring us to this place?”

Talk about a game changer and a paradigm shift. I think we sometimes underestimate the importance of this lurking presence of the mother’s voice in the heart of every man. These systems are usually built around one central guy – a warlord, or a Charles Taylor, or somebody like that, who is charismatic and usually brilliant and something of a sociopath and so he doesn’t have that mother inhabiting him. He doesn’t have that. But he also can’t do it on his own. He needs these expanding, concentric circles around him of men who help him institute the system. The further out in those expanding, concentric circles you get from a sociopath, the more you get a normal, regular guy. And if you can get to those guys, if you can find that place where they remember who they are and what they were put on this planet to do, then those systems change. It’s like in Egypt when Mubarak sent the soldiers into the square to incite the protesters to violence and they didn’t respond with violence. That day more soldiers crossed over to the protesters side than at any other time because the act of taking the violence and responding with non-violence so moved the soldiers that the man in them overrode the soldier – and that is the heart and soul of non-violent resistance. This is what Martin Luther King depended upon. This is what Gandhi depended upon. It’s finding the human being and re-asserting the humanity inside of it all. So if you can make them remember the human that they are inside of these systems, then suddenly inside of the system you have an ally. And I think that is the trick. One of the things that Leymah understood was that she would lose that moral authority if she didn’t stay totally above the politics. A lot of these women, particularly in the Ivory Coast where women were shot… The mistake that they make, although I don’t blame them for what happened… But the mistake that they made was to choose a side. And then to advocate for that side. What the women in Liberia did was to say, “First, we are going to stop shooting each other. And then we are going to talk.” So it’s that position they staked out, above the politics, that caused everyone on all sides to step away from their positions long enough to break the frozen dynamic of what was happening. And that is the position that women can take because they are not invested in the systems that bring people to these points. They don’t have their hands as dirty. They don’t have the history that men have, and so when they speak from above politics they can be heard.

Mary: That is brilliant! The second question that we had on the list of questions was that when you watch Pray the Devil Back to Hell, you are left with a very strong feeling that there are lessons to be learnt for all of us, especially those working in peace work, and so I had wanted to ask what were the lessons for you, but in a way, I think you just articulated one of them – about the importance of staying above the politics as being absolutely crucial.

Abigail: I feel like the film is in some ways a bit of a primer on non-violence. Because we made the decision to make a verite story, we didn’t step out of the narrative very often to say, “Here is a moment you might want to notice, that they didn’t make the decision this way…” Sometimes I want to almost do like a pop-up version of the film, because how strategic they were and how smart they were is really something that constantly amazes me. A lot of people pick up on it, but not everybody does. When we take the film out to, for instance, the Bosnian women or the women in Sudan, they see that, and invariably there will be a very strategic and pragmatic discussion about activism in general, and what works and what doesn’t. Which is why I wanted to go on and make these other four films, because I can see now how triggering this is – how unlocking it is of all sorts of capacity and thinking that I think have been latent in those groups.

So if you could maybe get women together once a week for five weeks or once a month for five months and kind of prompt and promote those kinds of discussions on their own terms, and in their own vocabulary, then you would start to get genuinely indigenous women’s movements with indigenous inherent knowledge that is rooted in the local context, and then you would start to have women stepping up and imagining their own answers from their own framework and having their own context. That is my dream!

Eileen: I think that is a great dream to have – and with what was said earlier about these women being able to rise above the politics – that also made me wish that you could do a kind of pop-up version…. When you there with these women, and in spending time with them, and in spending time with Leymah, what did you see to be their core beliefs, or their core fundamentals? What do you think drove them – because obviously they were able to come from a different place that allowed them to rise above the politics of the situation and not take sides. So if you were to try to define those beliefs and fundamentals in them – what would you say?

Abigail: I think that first of all, they had tried things from the past that had failed. This was a country that had been in and out of civil war for a really long time. And what you don’t see in the film, unfortunately, just because there wasn’t the time or space, was all the false starts and the failed attempts. Because I think that those are really important and they should be seen not as failures, but as the building blocks of success. I do think that successful movements don’t come from nowhere and they don’t happen out of the blue. They are built upon experience. They had a lot of experience and they had a lot of elder women, but what was different about the elder women in this case was that they were willing to step aside and encourage young leadership. Generally in these places the stakes are so low and the well being of these women that are elder… There is nowhere for them to go with their knowledge. There is no university for them to be a professor or a government appointed. So they are usually reluctant to move out of these positions of leadership and let young people take over. But in this case the elder women really saw in Leymah an incredible capacity for her to get people to follow her charisma and brilliance and so what they did was to allow her to step up and take leadership. So that is one thing that is different about this movement is that they had an exceptional leader – just an exceptional person. She was really easy to follow and she instilled confidence in everyone, no matter how scared she was feeling herself. So they really lucked out in having somebody with such prodigious, natural ability.

I think the Liberian women have a lot of the problematic characteristics that women in these contexts often have because if you have been in civil war for decades, of course you don’t trust anyone around you and if you don’t trust anyone around you, how do you build a movement? There is a lot of in-fighting, territoriality, jealousy – all of this is happening among the Liberian women, still to this day, but I think in this case they were able to rise above all of that stuff, partly because they had a great leader, and partly because the war was right on their doorstep. They just had nowhere to go. It was either keep your head down and hope you don’t die – or fight. Leymah describes going in and out of the Ivory Coast, for years, trying to work with the women in Abidjan and they just weren’t interested. They just didn’t feel as worried and it didn’t feel as immediate and she just couldn’t get them to rise.

Mary: Abby, if you look at women in the west, and specifically women in the USA, what would you say they have to learn from what you have learned from working with these women in Liberia and other places you have been to like Afghanistan? Are there lessons for us women in the western world that you could articulate?

Abigail: (Laughter) I’m sure I know what you think is the answer to that – a big yes. Especially because American women had our big suffrage movement and we like to think we invented feminism here. So there is an inclination not to know that there are a lot of feisty, amazing, brilliant women out there who have got a lot to tell us. That is one of the reasons I love going around the United States with Leymah because every audience, men and women, feel so humbled when they start to understand how much they don’t know and how much they need to listen. It’s the big missing piece, not just in Americans, but in the developing world, particularly those highly placed in the international community who think it is their job to go out and save everyone and they end up mucking things up more often than not. I think that the first thing is to approach any conflict from a listening posture and I think that is what the women in Liberia did and that is something that we need to learn how to do, which is to shut up and listen for a change and to know more about a situation before we go in with an answer. They really did a brilliant job of going to the UN after the UN had mucked up the weapons trade-in and say to them, “Look, the way you did this in Bosnia worked in Bosnia but it’s not going to work the same way here in Liberia. Let us tell you about how to work with indigenous languages and traditional beliefs and how to talk to people and so forth.” That was really important.

I think also the power of local is what the women in Liberia do better than anything. They have almost like a little cell system that they use. They don’t try to centralize too much. I think that is one of the failures in global north feminism is to hope that there is one kind of charismatic leader or one organization or one campaign or one call to action that is going to fix everything. I think that actually there is no silver bullet but a million silver darts. We need to let all the flowers bloom because they tend to come from the indigenous soil. We haven’t really strengthened local movements in the global north and we need to give more credit to them and we need to understand that they are really where the fundamental change is going to come from and I think that is something the Liberians did really well.

Eileen: There is a question I would love to ask you, because as we work in the forgiveness domain in Feminenza, we have seen a lot of documentaries from around the world, and this particular one was so inspiring because it showed the power of women uniting and affecting great change. There was something Leymah said that really struck me, and you probably know this one by heart, but it was when Leymah said, “These women had seen the worst of the war, something I had not seen. And they still had that vibrancy for life. And just being able to help them, to sit and hold their hands and to hug their kids, and looking at people who have lost everything and still having hope. I think that was where I got baptized into the women’s movement.” That was a very moving moment for me and I wanted to ask you what were some of the things, from your own experiences there, that you were deeply moved by?

Abigail: It’s interesting because Leymah and I have come to be very close and she really has been such a gift in my life on a personal level. And that line also really resonated for me and I realized that as different as Leymah and I are in terms of where we come from with our life experiences – I mean it doesn’t get more different – I feel like she is my long lost sister. We are so similar in certain kinds of ways and that is one of them. The way she found her way to feminism is almost the same way that I found my way to feminism. I held it a bit at arm’s length because it felt to me like a bunch of people who were just complaining all the time. And then I found my way to this breakfast with the New York Women’s Foundation and I sat there in awe of women who had incredibly difficult lives, and incredibly terrible burdens, who were rising to it and finding answers and they were a miracle. And that was exactly how I got baptized into the feminist movement. Because it was a feminism that was about “Yes”. It was about what we stood for and what we had in us. It changed my life forever. So I always thought that was interesting that in a way, Leymah and I both arrived, almost in the same way to this kind of work, even coming from such different places.

Mary: What do you find are your challenges – I’m sure you have many – but in terms of what you are currently doing with Women, War & Peace. What would you say, at the moment, are your main challenges in that?

Abigail: In terms of doing media around women, there are still all the gatekeepers out there, the people who program networks and shoot for film festivals and whatever else, such as funders who operate on old assumptions that nobody cares about women and Americans won’t watch films about people who have accents and so forth. But when I take Pray the Devil Back to Hell to college campuses I can feel this unbelievable excitement in young people, particularly around women’s issues, and it’s so interesting. I’ve shown the film at all boy’s high schools and you wouldn’t believe the amazing energy in the room. I know there is an audience for this and I know there is an incredible enthusiasm for this. I know that the gatekeepers and the programmers and the marketing people just don’t know, or understand, or don’t care, or maybe they are just lazy. I’m not sure – how to find those audiences and bring them there and keep them there. My problem is not the audience so much but everything in between my audience and me. So I wish I had an imaginative, brilliant funder who would be inspired to give me two million dollars for an advertising budget to really go out and make sure I reach everybody. But I’m not going to have that. Or, I wish I didn’t have to waste my energy on raising the four and a half million dollars to make all these films because I would have preferred to take that time and spend time thinking through strategy or thinking through all those things. The primary obstacle is the lack of imagination among people with power with money and access to media. Because they haven’t caught up to the world. The world has moved past them and they are not with it. It only makes me more militant about getting an audience because I want to surprise them. I want to shock them. Because if I can deliver a big enough audience to this broadcast they will have no choice but to say, “Oh, look at that, maybe women are out for women and they are very loyal and enthusiastic audiences and maybe we should do more of this.” I figure that I did not machete my way into the forest to let it grow back behind me. I’m still raising money and I will probably have to keep raising money for a while. I would so love not to be raising money and asking for favors from people anymore. I hate that. But that is the only thing that is so hard. People always say to me, “How do you do this work? It seems so depressing.” I don’t find it depressing at all. Yes, I get depressed when I think about Afghanistan but then I think about these women for who they are and I keep telling people that we are about the good news. And the good news isn’t what happened in Afghanistan. The good news is who these women are and what they are capable of and who they can make you feel like you can be. I inhabit every day with those women so I am never depressed because I know the world is full of these kind of people. Mary, I’m sure you have the same kind of feeling I have because of the women you work with in Kenya.

Mary: Oh yes, completely. I’m just sitting here grinning from ear to ear because I so love the women I am working with. They are so amazing.

Abigail: Did you know Dekha, by any chance?

Mary: Yes, I did know Dekha. She actually was very instrumental… I met her after the post election violence in 2008 and she helped to put me in touch with a lot of the women that I’m now working with so I was very sad to hear about what happened. There was a woman in the northeast of Kenya, named Hubbie Hussein, who knew her and I wrote to her and she wrote back and said, “Yes, we all loved her, but Allah loved her more.” I thought that is a nice way to think about it.

Abigail: Yes, and it’s probably true too. She was amazing and I had promised her that I would be coming to Kenya after the broadcast with the films and my heart was so broken.

Mary: Abby, I need to go because I have another call to be on, but if ever you do come to Kenya, please let us know. We can sit and have a cup of tea and I can introduce you to some people there. That would be brilliant. I’m going to leave you with Eileen for another few minutes, but it has been a pleasure, and thank you very much.

Abigail: Thank you Mary. Nice to meet you.

Eileen: Is there anything, at this point, that you would want to ask us, or is there anything you would want to add into this interview – something else you would want to say about the documentary, your work, women…

Abigail: I would say that because of the nature of the barriers to getting advertising out and attention for things – what I need is an army of evangelists. I need people who are willing to take this series up in their arms and represent it into the world. Tweet it, blog it, Facebook it. Just make yourselves be about delivering people to that broadcast because the better I do – the better women are going to do. I know that sounds really awful, but it’s true. We will have so much ability to do more if we can just hit this ball out of the park. I would just say please, please, be an evangelist for us. Come to womenwarandpeace.org. Help us make sure that people get a chance to see this because I really think it is going to make a big difference in the world.

Eileen: Absolutely! We can definitely do that and we have quite a few of us on your e-mailing list but we will make more of an effort to get it out there. If I could ask one more question, because in Feminenza, with the forgiveness and reconciliation work, a lot of the focus with that work has been in Kenya during this past year, but there are ladies here in Feminenza North America who are wanting to, in a way, replicate the program that has been done there – of course not exactly – but we want to do that kind of work here in this country. So we are trying to find those women, those grassroots leaders, those organizations, the places and people that would be interested. So, from your own experiences in this country, do you think forgiveness and reconciliation work could have a successful outplay in this country?

Abigail: I have been thinking about this so much. Sometimes I wonder who we think we are with the incredibly divided world that we inhabit here in this country. Who do we think we are talking about reconciliation with anybody? I think we need to fix our own front yard, so I’m so glad to hear you say that because it seems to me that the world pays for our dysfunction. I think it is so important for us. I meet people who are right-wing and they are such decent, wonderful human beings. We should stop demonizing one another and find a way to build a coherent, social, civic place.

Eileen: I feel the work is needed here in a big way. I think it could have many different expressions here with different outplays and different groupings of people. I think we are prone in this country also to stuff things under the carpet rather than look at them in a more upfront, honest and direct way.

Abigail: This is going to sound very melodramatic but you know, the ingredients are here in this country for a civil war – maybe not this year or next year or in the next decade. But what did Rwanda look like 50 years before the genocide? We need to really think about the trajectory of this thing. What if, instead of waiting for a civil war, we started doing the work of reconciliation before it happens? Let’s put into practice some of the understanding we have about the way the world works. I really believe, in fact, what we have is a very grave situation if we don’t do the work of reconciliation in this country.

Eileen: I would ask you, Abigail, if later you might have any time to put together a list of organizations that we could contact?

Abigail: Sure – just send me an e-mail.

Eileen: Great – because we are intent about this work and feel strongly that it actually works. So we are in the process of trying to get funding, trying to get it out there, and as you can imagine there are struggles with that but we are not going to give up. So anyone or any organization you know that might be able to help or steer us somewhere – that would be wonderful.

Abigail: Absolutely! Thank you so much for this.

Eileen: Thank you very much Abigail! We love the work you ladies are doing!

– Mary Noble and Eileen McGowan

Sep 222010
 

An interview with Shazia Qayum from Karma Nirvana, refuge organisation

Last May we walked up the steps to the office of Karma Nirvana, an organization based in Derby in the UK which helps women trying to escape from forced marriages and domestic violence. We were met by an inspiring young lady who introduced herself as Shazia Qayum, a manager at Karma Nirvana.

Fresh from a conference on forced marriages and domestic violence, hosted by the Staffordshire Police Authority, Shazia began to relay her own painful story. She explained that the foundation of her own life was that of a happy loving home until she reached 12, when a series of events happened that would change her life for ever.

It all started one day when “we were just sitting in the park: there were some boys playing football across from us, but we had nothing to do with them, then all of a sudden my best friend was dragged by her hair from the park by her father. He had been told by a relative that she was in the park with some lads kissing and hugging them which was a lie.” Shazia explained that as very young girls they were introduced to ‘Izzat’ — honour — which impacts on every decision made in life. It was this fact that caused her friend to be dragged from the park by her father and shot, along with the mother, two sisters and then himself. Shazia makes clear that socalled ‘honour killings’ are nothing to do with honour, and that since that day she believes that her friend watches over her and this gives her strength in her own endeavour. Shazia didn’t believe anything like that would happen to her, “my parents weren’t like that”.

Then some years later she was told that she was to have a marriage arranged in Pakistan and she no longer needed to go to school. “I thought they were joking, people will ask where I am, people will want to know what’s happened to me” she told them, “but nobody came, no one from school, no one from social services, a few school friends came over but my Mum told them I had gone to Pakistan. “ I felt invisible, abandoned, betrayed and that nobody cared.” Her doctor, also from Pakistan, sympathetic to ‘Izzat’ signed her off school as sick so noone knew what was happening.

Shazia repeatedly told her parents that she didn’t want to get married, she wanted to go to college and then to university, but they were so scared that she would speak out or run away and dishonour the family that they kept her at home and she was chaperoned everywhere for 9 months, even to the toilet. Then curiously all mention of the wedding stopped and she was allowed to find a job, “I thought they had finally seen sense and that I was not going to change my mind, I am quite stubborn you know.” A sense of relief came over her. “I am free” she thought. Six months later her parents arranged a holiday in Pakistan, “I was excited, I had never been out of Birmingham, I was really looking forward to seeing where my parents were born and meeting the rest of my family.”

“We arrived in Pakistan, where a couple of weeks into the holiday, preparations were being made for a wedding. I said to my Mum, “I can’t wait to see how a wedding goes on in Pakistan, who is it that’s getting married? To which my Mum replied,

‘you silly girl, it’s you’.”

“I was horrified that my parents had betrayed me; done all this behind my back. When I refused, I was told my passport would be confiscated and that if anything happened to my ill grandfather and mother it would be my fault. I had no choice but to get married”.

From a strong place in Shazia she continued to tell her parents that she was extremely unhappy about what was happening and that when she got to her inlaws she would make it clear to her future husband that she had no choice and was being forced into this marriage. When she told him his reply was, “I don’t care I just want to get to England”. She was left in Pakistan for 6 months and only allowed back to the UK if she agreed to sponsor her husband into the country.

Getting out

All the while Shazia was thinking that when she got back home somebody would help her to get out of the situation. With the help of a friend she wrote seven letters to the Home Office, explaining the situation. She received no reply and at the age of 18 Shazia’s husband got his visa and her parents told her she must stop working and stay at home and be a dutiful wife.

Three weeks passed and Shazia felt angry that no one was helping her, she felt like she was shouting from the rooftops at the injustice, but no one was listening. Once again she summoned incredible courage and defiance, and she managed to phone the police and asked them to escort her from the family home. She left with nothing but her best friend’s cardigan and £700 she had managed to save.

She made a statement at the police station and was then simply told, “Now go and make your own way”. Feeling totally lost and bewildered she found a bed and breakfast, where she stayed for six months hardly daring to go out, when she heard on the radio about a domestic violence helpline. She rang them and they found her a refuge provision. She has never seen any of her family since the day she left 10 years ago.

After 4 years of moving from refuge to refuge trying to avoid her father who continued to look for her, she eventually found herself at a Karma Nirvana refuge. There she met Jasvinder Sanghera (author of the book Shame) who was managing the refuge. ‘Jasvinder gave me hope, here was someone who had been through a similar experience as me and has survived’. Shazia went on to explain, “Jas believed in me and helped me to believe in me.” It was here that she made the decision to help others facing the same difficulties. She became a volunteer worker at the refuge and then becoming an outreach worker supporting ladies from the refuge with rehoming. Thereafter she became a young person’s project worker and is now the team leader.

Helping others

For three years Shazia has taken calls from Asian women giving them advice, explaining their options, and arranging refuge provision. It can take a great deal of courage to make a call and the staff are trained to deal with care and sensitivity, ensuring that trust is built up between the staff and the caller. Making sure that women who have been subjected to forced marriage and domestic violence know how to proceed is of great importance, as quite often they don’t even know they can dial 999 or even that being able to do anything at all is an option. They often know nothing about life here at all. You could ask yourself the question, ‘Would I know how to go on in a foreign country?’

Shazia relayed another story of a young girl who was forced into an arranged marriage. After three months her husband beat her so badly that he damaged her immune system, then her skin began to rot and then she died. She didn’t know she could ring 999. That’s why the Home Office are trying to change the law to raise the legal age of marriage from 16 to 18 and hopefully to 21. They also want to introduce the need to have to pass an English test to live in the UK which will make women aware of what services are out there and how to dial 999 and help them integrate with people here.

Shazia and the staff are totally committed to raising the awareness of forced marriages and its inherent problems. They work closely with the government run Forced Marriages Unit and recently campaigned successfully with the result that forced arranged marriage with associated violence is now against the law in the UK but forced marriages on their own is not an offence. One of the worries and concerns Shazia voiced was the discovery that none of the heads of institutions like schools, magistrates, health organizations that she had spoken to were aware of what was available in the way of help should they be approached by someone in need.

Last year in just six months, from Shazia’s case load of 18 potential victims of forced marriage, 5 were taken off the school register and ‘went missing’, and two of those were removed from school on the pretext of going to India for a ‘better education’. No-one has questioned or investigated these disappearances. Shazia herself is passionate about young people, and is raising awareness in schools, by putting up posters and speaking in assemblies, so the young girls know that there is help available and they are not on their own. She informs them of their options and what the law says. She knows how differently things may have been for her if more help had been available. One of the things she mentioned to us is that a lot of the young women still feel compromised by ‘Izzat’ which impacts on every decision in their lives. Shazia was asked, “How are they educated in such a way that they allow it?” To which she replied,”Personally, myself, when I was at the age of 5, I knew what was right and what was wrong in terms of what I could do and what I couldn’t do, you are conditioned from your family home environment. Then you’re taught two different ways because then when you go to school you’re taught to be independent. When you’re at home you’re taught to be dependent. They are scared of you being independent and being ‘Westernized’ as they put it. So you are torn between these two ways of living.”

In an attempt to highlight the plight of victims of ‘honour-killings’ (usually young females who have refused a forced marriage and suffer honour-based violence) Shazia has also been involved in television programmes including Crimewatch and GM TV. Shazia relayed many stories of these victims, and it was an eye opener to the untold horrors that we live side by side with every day. Shazia and the Karma Nirvana team are actively attempting to fill the huge gaping hole that exists between that to which we are privileged and that to which they are deprived. If people want to know more they can put ‘Honour Killings’ into Google, and about the work of Karma Nivana by putting in Shazia’s or Jasvinder’s name.

Paying the price and coming to terms Shazia speaks of her isolation from her family saying she doesn’t regret ‘the hardest decision of her life, not only not having any family but not having the community or any extended family, so you’re a lost individual.’ Shazia also speaks of the reshaping of her life as a result and now is committed anytime, anywhere, anyway to the promotion of the work she loves to do. Shazia was asked at this point about the idea of reconciliation, to which she replied,

“For myself, I would love to be reconciled with my family, to see and speak to them, to be part of a family again, but I think my parents would never want to.” She has come to terms with the way her parents have treated her in the following way.

‘What they think is right from their upbringing, I think it is wrong, what they believe I don’t believe, otherwise I would go insane thinking my parents don’t love me.’ Forced marriages also affect young men” Jasvinder says when he first met me I would not keep eye-contact, I was very unconfident. I would wear a cap my confidence, the cap came off. ‘There’s no stopping you now’ Jasvinder said.” Shazia then told us, after it had come to light that a young man was kept in chains so that he could not dishonour his family by refusing to marry, that “Young men also suffer the effects of forced marriages”. Discovering this, they took on a male worker at Karma Nirvana called Imran, who was himself a victim. This was a huge decision due to the nature of their work with women, but it has been a great success. They now get many calls from men and none of the women calling have had a problem talking to a man. Karma Nirvana has now changed its constitution to include young men.

“Since developing the male arm of our work and recruiting the male survivor, we have seen an increase in the reporting of such crimes from men and couples fleeing forced marriages and ‘honour’ based abuse. Karma Nirvana is developing a friendship/survivors network in which they have trained mentors. “We’ve done the first stage of training for people to tap into other survivors, people that have been disowned by their families, by sending them a card and remembering them and letting them know they are not on their own. For me my friends have become my family, and my colleagues; we have unconditional love, there are no conditions whatsoever”.

Practicing prevention through education

The work of Karma Nirvana is not without danger. They are subject to the wrath of ‘honour killings’ too as they are seen as assisting the ‘dishonourable’. Yet they still offer hope to those who are vulnerable. They practice prevention through education of the young men and women likely to become victims of forced marriages and remedy to some of its consequential horrors by providing practical assistance.

Karma Nirvana bridges the gap between the forced marriage and domestic violence victims and the future, by offering hope to them personally and hope for the future through change. Many thanks to Shazia Quyam for giving us this moving interview and may Shazia and the Karma Nirvana go from strength to strength in providing hope and support into a better tomorrow for those in such desperate need.

For further information and/or support please look on website: www.karmanirvana.org.uk

Sep 222010
 

An interview with immaculée ilibagiza by Joanna Francis, USA

Immaculée Ilibagiza was born in Rwanda. Her life transformed dramatically in 1994 during the Rwanda genocide when she and seven other women huddled silently together in a cramped bathroom of a local pastor’s house for 91 days! During this horrific ordeal, Immaculée lost most of her family, including her mother, father and two brothers, but she survived to share the story in her book Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust.

Four years after the Rwandan tragedy, Immaculée emigrated to the United States and began working for the United Nations in New York City. She has since established the Left to Tell Charitable Fund to help others heal from the long-term effects of genocide and war.

Proceeds from her book go to the charity and have already supported orphaned children in Rwanda, and she hopes the charity will also help other children of Africa to build better lives. She also gives talks and does what she can to help people feel the hope for the human race that she feels and the spirituality of being human.

It is a profound book to read. Immaculée writes very openly and honestly. She takes the reader inside the horror of what happened in Rwanda through how it affected her and her family. It is very moving as she shares the fear she experiences for her life and how she struggled not to hate those who are out to kill her and who killed her family and friends. Locked for so many days in a space one can’t imagine spending 15 minutes in she goes inside herself and examines her reactions and responses and finds a place of deep spirituality. This leads to an amazing and profound relationship with God and a great humanity, compassion and understanding that brings her to a miraculous forgiveness. It inspires and offers hope that the greatness of humanity can be there even when humanity seems to be at its darkest, and attests to the fact that spirituality can win though whatever the circumstance.

“Everyone should read this story—survivors as well as perpetrators. I hope that all can experience Immaculée’s profound spiritual transformation and be inspired to work for a united and lasting nation.”
-Jeannette Kagame, First Lady of the Republic of Rwanda

Immaculée Ilibagiza and the Pastor

JF: I want to begin by thanking you for finding the time to talk to me and also for sharing your story. It was a very moving book and I also saw the documentary movie. That must have been a very difficult book to write.

II: It was, but not really. When I was writing it, it was more like calming the emotions. I wrote it at a better time. There were tears, but it was good, it was bitter-sweet.

JF: Maybe I could ask you first about your life now because I am sure our readers would be interested to know what has happened to you since you wrote the book, because in the movie you mention that you are supporting orphanages in Rwanda. Is that your main job at the moment?

II: It is really. But the main thing is speaking, sharing the message—so many people have told me how it has changed their life. So I do a lot of speaking and I am writing my next book, which is coming out next March (2008 – ed.).

JF: Great! What is that about?

II: It is about the years after the genocide—the next five or six years, describing how the country came back together. Many people wanted to know how did you heal after this sort of thing. It is one thing to tell about the experience, but how do you heal after that? I tried to put together how I understood it, what I saw.

JF: Very interesting. With all this speaking and with people telling you how your story and your book have changed their lives, do you feel you have a mission in life? And can you define what that is?

II: Definitely. First is to see that what happened to me had some meaning, a lot of meaning actually. When I saw what it does in people’s lives, at first I thought I could never understand what they did to me. God knows how He touches people. That gives me a good sense of, I know why that is behind me now. Most of it is to feel that—you want to be able to love God, to just know that everything is possible and to have hope. And that doesn’t just stop at Rwanda; it is a worldwide need. We all need to feel that no matter what you go through, there is hope, and you can be free and be happy. With God everything is possible. I love to talk about those things and just to hear people telling me how they can change everything around them.

Rwanda can be a paradise again, but it will take the love of the entire world to heal my homeland.

JF: Are you still haunted by the visions of what you have been through and how do you deal with that?

II: Not really. I am not. I do think about it, like every human being thinks about their past, I can cry and I miss my parents, I miss my brothers, but I don’t think about it or have visions of what happened. I can sit down and just start to wonder, how can that happen? What went wrong with people? How can we do this? I keep asking myself these questions, but it’s not like being haunted by visions that keep playing in my mind—no. I think the thought of God being alive was much more mind blowing. For me it was thinking, oh my God, can He be here? Can I feel this kind of way?

Can I feel this way when I am going through this, losing my weight and becoming a skeleton—yet God is all that is. When things were getting worse, God is what stayed in my mind more than anything. I kept seeing His love and then to see how He put things together ¬one line after another. It does make me think that God is alive. He is there.

Everything is a choice. And it is so great to know that we can choose things that we are not capable of doing and then in a strange way it comes home, only God knows. You say, I choose to be bad or I choose to be O.K. I am going to be OK, I am going to have a life and then life helps you to make that happen. Life is a journey. Even in such an extreme circumstance, even if you have nothing. And then you see God building it around you, slowly. That’s why I am so sure that God is with us. And He listens.

JF: How do you tell your children about your story?

II: I don’t.

JF: You don’t?

II: No. I don’t tell them. In my mind I want children to be children, I want them to enjoy their life. My parents never told me much about what had happened to them. It’s one thing to tell them what happened to some country, but what happened to their grandma and knowing that they don’t have grandparents, it becomes more like a history and something to talk about. My children ask me, “Mom, where is your mom?” “Where is your dad?” “Why don’t you have a mother like everybody else?” It’s still raw and I have seen my daughter cry, just asking me that. It’s something real, like you have a family member die in a terrible way—it’s not something you enjoy to talk about all the time. However, I enjoy talking about the lessons I learned, like I will choose the right movie to show them. Sometimes I will show them a picture or play a CD; I make them see the life of good heroes, like saints, so they can learn the lesson that with God all is possible. If they ever get in trouble, they know who to call upon before I even get there. I want them to know that; it is so important to care for people and I teach them to care.

I don’t like to tell my story but I definitely want to share the lessons I learned.

JF: I understand. I lost my grandparents in the Nazi holocaust so I do understand.

II: You did? I am sorry.

JF: Your extraordinary journey to forgiveness—what would you say was the hardest obstacle to overcome to actually embody that forgiveness?

II: The obstacle was to imagine how a human being can reach that. You think you know these people, it is so hard to wrap up your mind to theirs, to try to understand them. And then, when you don’t understand them, it is like an emptiness in my mind because there is no explanation I can ever find. I wished they were sick or crazy. I wished that we had a problem and then they hated me. But it is like you have been living with somebody, near their home, coming to their house and all of a sudden, what goes through their mind so they can decide they want to kill you? That was hard, hard, hard to take. It was hard to imagine, how can somebody get there? It is not like a sickness; how can someone want to take another person’s life? I wish my brain could find an explanation. I was thinking of God and talking, “If I decide to believe the Bible, I have to decide to believe every message that is there. If God exists, He also exists for people who are my neighbours.
I have to agree with it. They have had to say yes to the trace they were making. It is beyond you. So that was hard, to try to understand them. I still don’t want to understand them. To understand someone like that means that you can do the same thing.

“I hope that one day we can laugh and move on holding hands despite the past. Life has a lot to offer and a lot of love to give.”

JF: Was there a single moment when that feeling of forgiveness got the upper hand in you? How could you embody forgiveness?

II: I think I did. There was a moment; I remember a moment—it was a process. At first I was so angry and then there was a next stage when I was so hurt. It was too hard to take. And then I imagined how, if I was going to be hating everybody, I didn’t know how I was going to live in this world. And how was I going to smile again if I carried on hating so many people? And that was the moment. So I decided that I didn’t want to give up smiling, I didn’t want to give up my joy. I remember the struggle, just knowing what it would do to me if I continued in this way. And then, because it was so painful, I came to another stage when I thought, “You know what, I don’t remember how you can forgive, or how to do it” and I surrendered. I said, “God, if you can only show me a way to do it, I will give anything for me to be able to smile again. When you are angry, it goes together, you have to watch who you smile to because you are holding this painful thing, like poison in your chest. Especially when it was for me, when I didn’t have anybody any more. So then the next stage was. “All right, I surrender. I just wish this can go out in a magic way, take it out.” And then the last stage, I remember, when I really saw the face of Jesus on the cross, when he said, “Forgive them Father, they don’t know what they do.” It wasn’t “Oh, forgive them,” it was more a knowing that they don’t know what they do. And I started thinking about myself, sometimes I apologise to people, even to God, so why do I apologise if I have done what I did? If I knew I had better apologise means that I knew better. It is because there is a moment when we don’t get it, we don’t understand fully the whole truth of what we are doing. The temptation becomes stronger than us, so that gave me a way to try and understand these people. I get it. They are doing wrong, but they cannot be thinking about the consequences that will come back to them because they are so much taken by such evil. They can’t be thinking, “What are the consequences that will come to me, even to my own children?” They know it is bad but do they really conceive the whole thing? That alone helped me so much to know that I am a person who cares for peace. I have to try to be that, not to be a person that is avenging and hitting back. It is almost like I could see two lines—on one side was love and on the other side was hate. And I was so much on the side of hate, it felt like hitting somebody. And all of a sudden I realised, I can stay on the side of love and then try to pull people to this side so this world can be a better place. Otherwise if I take my own vengeance, what is it going to serve for the rest of the world or even for me? Because if I am doing bad things, I know the consequences will follow me.

So I thought, no, I cannot go to that extent. They don’t get it. Whatever is coming, they don’t get it. Whatever is going to befall our world, this country, they don’t get it. And how is it that cabinet ministers, people who had power can be doing that? And me, I am a person, I can understand they are doing wrong but they don’t get it. Not only they are doing wrong, but it is going to follow them. They are going to suffer consequences. And if you see what has happened to them after the genocide, you would just know that. It was so clear to me and it wasn’t clear to them. It was blindness in the truth of their heart.

JF: So what do you think we can do so it doesn’t happen again? I mean we, the human race. And can we?

Immaculée’s brothers – only one survived. He was out of the country.

II: I think we can. I think we can all try, because you can never control another person’s mind. What we can do is to teach each other and care for each other. I really try to approach people; I try to do that a little bit. I try to approach people and to explain to them that instead of being angry they can be happy or go and watch a movie! A friend of mine last week was telling me, she was not feeling too happy and she said when she was not happy, when she was lonely, she would go and buy a fashion magazine that would make her smile, so she could laugh again. That is one way of her saying, just find something to distract you, a program. If we really care about each other, something will happen to this world. When we care in a loving way, when you really care about someone, this is peace, even if you don’t know it. To teach a child, like this—writing about what happens. People need to know what happened. You cannot hide it. If people in Rwanda knew what had happened to the Jewish people during the Second World War, they would not have participated in the genocide. If they knew the consequences that had come to people who did it, even to the whole world, they would not have taken that route. It was so new. I met a man in my country who told me about the people he had killed. Almost like he never knew, he never realised that they would be dead forever. It was so new, in my country they never taught us about that. They were never educated or saw anything about the holocaust and genocide, so people did not know what was going on, because one day they were being prepared to do the same thing.

So to talk about it of course calls for love. Be on the side of love no matter what. Care for people. And what I mean by love, I mean the smallest thing possible. Like if a co-worker loses something, a pen, pick it up for them. Find out what is going on in their life. Look at them, listen to them, listen to the troubles they are going through and respond if they are crying. Be able to communicate with another person because they are a member of the human race. We are people. We have to care. There is no problem that concerns just one person. We are all connected.

JF: It is wonderful to hear you say that. You know, Feminenza, which is the organisation which I work with and that produces this magazine, we organise conferences about forgiveness, reconciliation and peace and we recently held one in Kenya. We work with refugees from Rwanda, Burundi and the Democratic Republic of Congo. I think this is a wonderful message for all those people as well.

II: Thank you.

“We all need to feel that no matter what you go through, there is hope, and you can be free and be happy.”

JF: Looking back on your experiences, was there a certain quality that allowed you to survive? Would you say it is above all love?

II: I think it was that. I think it was more than love; it was to have that humanity and knowing that another human being still has the right to live and to be a human. I never gave up hope in people. I have seen so much goodness in people—in my parents and my grandma, my family—it was so hard to just give up. And then, the greatest thing is to really know the element of God, for Him to be there. It was God, it was because I craved God when growing up, because people were speaking to me about God. To bring Him into the picture changed everything. It was like somebody taking over and knowing that He wants the best. He is all good, He is the excellence of all that is good. And to want that no matter what. He is the one who knows, He has told us that He is God Himself. To have Him there for me was everything… And then I decided to start to pray every second, really to have that constant communication. It took away a lot of my pain and the way of my anger. It changed things.

JF: In the movie Wayne Dyer mentions your will to live and that it was your will that allowed you to come through the experience with so much strength and resolve. What would you say about that?

II: I think everyone has such will power. It was so sweet of him. Everyone has something; we all want to live. We all want peace. I think that there is a little click that pops somewhere when somebody says “I want that.” I think what matters to everyone, even to God, is to be able to want something and to have the courage to want it to happen. And we need to say it, “I want that to happen.” Like, “I want to live, I don’t want to die.” And to be able to say “I don’t want to die.” And then ask Him, be able to surrender, be able to hand it to God and know that you can trust Him and I think there is no stress at all. It is more than a human being, who makes me strong. I can do all things.

JF: I really do think you have an important message for people who have been through any kind of trauma. One last thing I’d like to ask you about is that amazing moment in the book when you meet the leader of the gang that killed your mother and your brother Damacen—Felicien was his name. And you said “I forgive you.” What was going through your mind when you did that? That is such an amazing moment.

II: You know, when I saw him, it was something like a confirmation. This guy didn’t know what he was doing, but when I remembered him, it was always as a good man, dressed in a suit. And all of a sudden he is stripped of everything because of the decision he had taken. It was that moment that made me realise, he can’t get it. If he had loved himself, he would not have brought himself to this. He could not have loved me and he could not have loved himself; he simply did not have any love in his heart. He did not know how to love. If people don’t care for themselves, how can they care for other people? So when I was able to see that, and when I told him, “I forgive you,” it was more like, don’t take me as any excuse to not see the truth. And it wasn’t in a mean way, like, “Oh, yeah, don’t think about me.” It was more like, “I forgive you. I just want you to take me out of the picture. You seem to have a long way to go and I hope you can find that. And I want to redirect you from me, from you having me as an extra luggage.” It was more like that. I wished I could just tell him, “Don’t worry about me. It is really nothing. Don’t care. Find a way to grow and then I will be out of your mind.” Not, “I am angry, I did this to…” It’s more like, “What went wrong in your mind? What went wrong in your thinking and your heart?” How can that be fixed and please don’t have me there as a part of somebody who can help you fix it.” I wish I could do something, so he could say, “I wish I had done differently.” That would be the best day of my life. If he could honestly say, what the heck did I do? But he couldn’t do that and he doesn’t understand where he was, why he was there and I just wanted to bid him from me being his excuse of not seeing the truth.

If people don’t care for themselves, how can they care for other people?

JF: That’s wonderful. And one very last question. I think it is a really important point you make about the difference between forgiveness and the fact that it does not mean accepting the deed that you are forgiving. I just wanted to ask if you could say something about that because when we work on forgiveness with people, that is a question that often comes up. People say, “If I forgive, does that mean that I condone the action that I am forgiving?” If you could help in explaining that absolutely it does not.

II: Definitely. The way I understood it, forgiveness is like that thing you are holding inside when you let go of that anger. You can only let go of that because you are able to think of the other person as a human being, maybe who needs help, who maybe needs to go through the justice system to learn what had happened or maybe just who needs forgiveness, purely because they want it so badly, so you can offer it to them. Or even sometimes when they don’t want it. So for me it is never to condone what they are doing. It is not for them to come out of the prison or justice system because I forgive them. It is more about being able to think about this person with love; to want good to happen to them. You know, most of the time we think about them and wish something bad could happen to them so they can know what they did. You want instead something to happen to their mind so that they can see the truth they never saw before. That is what came to me. It is like wishing a child to be able to have peace, to have blessings. I even want him to be OK, happy, but I want even more for him to learn the lesson of what he had been doing wrong to other people, even to me. It’s being able to come to peace and to have that freedom of letting go of that bitterness.

If you think that bitterness is still there, you see that person and the anger is rising in you and coming out, just know that you haven’t forgiven them. And ask God to help you forgive them. It is just the willingness and the choice to want to forgive them that will really take you out of that mess of feeling so bitter, which will end up being like a physical sickness. I have tested it. Being bitter is such a poison that it is like having a headache—your stomach is turning.

“Everything is a choice. And it is so great to know that we can choose things that we are not capable of doing and then in a strange way it comes home, only God knows.”

JF: It is amazing how what you process, be it anger or compassion, it ends up turning against you or for you, depending on what it is. And it is so important to be on the side of love, as you say. Thank you so much for your time. I wish you all the best in your endeavours; I think it is really important work that you are doing.

II: I appreciate that. Thank you and I wish you the best for your work too. Thank you for helping me spread the message.

If you would like to find out more about Immaculée and about her charity, Left to Tell, please go to www.lefttotell.com/